The Stockiest Vai in Gerudo Town
by Dorminchu
Summary: Worn out from an arduous trek across the desert, Link decides to make a stop at a nearby inn, but the local Gerudo aren't so easy to fool. Shenanigans ensue.


_a/n: This was supposed to be a joke and then it got a little more serious. Whoops! Happy April Fools, I guess. XD_

* * *

Gerudo Town was a fairly welcome change from the vast expanse of blistering, desert sands Link had come from; now there were compact corridors to protect one from the harshness of the elements.

That aside, Link wasn't quite ready to let his guard down. The locals had been giving him funny looks ever since he'd stepped foot inside the town walls. Maybe he hadn't quite mastered the art of matching their feminine stride.

(His new outfit, in particular, had taken a lot of getting used to—especially these harem pants. The cloth was sheer, and while it offered little in the way of protection against sand and sun, it was a moderately pleasant but wholly inconvenient feeling of freedom, given his current situation. The last thing he needed was to draw attention to the obvious.)

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that the guard from before wouldn't stop eyeing him suspiciously.

Or, most likely, the desert heat was finally getting to his head. _There has to be an inn somewhere_ , he thought woozily. Recognizing his own delirium for what it was, and sure his voice would give him away if he pressed matters, he milled about in the square, silent, eyes peeled for information. There were a couple small booths; one offered arrows, another cooked meats and mushrooms. If he had a little more focus, he might have an elixir to beat the heat.

 _That can wait._

His attention was drawn to the next business, beside the vendor selling arrows. _Hotel Oasis,_ the sign proclaimed. The Gerudo— _or_ _was it Vai?—_ stationed beside it greeted him with a hearty _"Vasaaq!"_ and he raised a tentative hand in return.

"If you're exhausted from your travels, please consider a visit to Hotel Oasis!" She motioned to the humble abode behind her with a hand. "It's not just a pace to rest your head; Hotel Oasis is also home to the fantastic…spa plan!"

Link had to crack a smile, though the veil hid his features. A good wash sounded amazing right now. The Gerudo beamed in turn.

"Step inside and ask Romah for more information!"

That couldn't hurt. Link walked inside, feeling confident but fairly nervous; all the Gerudo he'd seen thus far were at least twice his height and probably possessed strength in equal measure.

With that thought lingering in his mind, he made his way over to the counter, where the next Gerudo—he assumed this was Romah—greeted him with another _"Vasaaq!"_ and this time, he felt braver waving. "The nightly rate is twenty rupees, but we also offer a special spa plan for eighty."

"Spa plan?" asked Link without thinking. He immediately tried to cover his tracks by forcing a cough.

Romah raised an eyebrow. "You haven't heard of Hotel Oasis?" She frowned. "I was sure it was known all over the world…" She shook her head. "Never mind. The spa plan we offer will fill you with energy and a truly unique feeling of resilience to great dangers. And as an extra bonus, it'll feel like years of worry have been washed away, leaving your skin bright and smooth."

Link mulled this over. He had the rupees. Maybe they had private rooms. And what was the worst that could happen? They'd probably just toss him out again.

So he hoped. "Fine," he said, digging in his satchel for the rupees. "I'll have the spa treatment."

Romah's mouth curled. He dropped the rupees into her outstretched palm, and with a glint in her eye, she said: "Right this way."

* * *

It was a surprisingly short trip. There was a trapdoor behind the counter, and from there they descended down a staircase that led beneath the earth, then through a narrow man-made tunnel, and at last came out into a small room above ground once more, lined with row upon row of holes carved out of the rock.

A thin vapor issued from behind a heavy flap covering the entrance of what Link could only assume was the entrance to the spa. "You may leave your clothes here, in any one of these," said Romah, gesturing to the row of holes. "The spa is right this way."

Link froze up.

"There's no need to be shy," she said, a hint of a laugh in her voice. "We're all _vai_ here."

On the world _vai,_ Link felt a new sense of dread—and to his frustration, a hint of intrigue that lingered on far longer than it should have.

But if Romah was suspicious, she didn't say anything.

"I'll leave you to it," she said, and walked through the flap, leaving Link to his panicked thoughts. If she knew the truth, why hadn't she kicked him out? It wasn't like he could fight his way out of this, not without landing himself in a worse situation than the one at present. He was already vulnerable enough.

Praying to Hylia above that there would be enough steam to mask his more incriminating features, he shed his clothes—but kept his shorts—and stepped carefully into the steamy room.

The spa itself was tiny. Probably a few Gerudo could sit in it at one time without knocking knees, and he wasn't a Gerudo. He felt very small suddenly, obvious as it felt to admit.

"You're awfully muscular for a _vai_ ," Romah said.

Link almost shrieked, but somehow managed to turn it into a strangled gasp. He quickly covered his chest, hoping against hope it wasn't too late to save face. The surroundings were hazy, but he could discern Romah's figure, watching him from the farthest perimeter of the spa, submerged up to her waist, naked, as far as he could tell.

He felt his face go as warm as the rest of him and bit his tongue, willing himself to keep control. Traveling alone had its perks, but it was hard to deny the fact that solitude had taken its toll on him. He tried very hard to look anywhere that was not the general direction of her or below his own waist.

Romah tutted. "Is there something more to you, Hylian?"

Link shivered, this time not quite from fear.

"You're either very bold, or very foolish," Romah mused. "I'm impressed. Not many _voe_ would be able to get away with sneaking in here the way you did. You must have something they didn't."

Adrenaline coursed through him. He was shaking. The urge to run should have overtaken him but his legs would not move. His heart pounded madly in his chest. She approached languidly through the water, and he tried not to focus on the thought of wet skin against his own.

Romah extricated herself from the spa, and now stood, towering above him. Eye-to-abdomen, he looked up and knew he wasn't going to make it at this rate.

"It's been ages since I've had an actual _voe_ to talk to," she remarked, arms folded over her chest.

Link swallowed dryly.

Romah just smirked. "Don't worry. I won't tell anyone you're here. I just think it's curious that you decided to come to the spa, of all places."

Link was so overcome by relief that he felt dizzy. He laughed, short and hoarse and undisguised. His voice still cracked a little when Romah placed both hands on his shoulders, trailing down to his forearms.

"Tell you what," she said, voice low. "This time will be free of charge."

Link shuddered, doubting his legs would hold him much longer and strangely grateful she was leading him to the water. He gasped sharply as the lower half of him was engulfed in piping hot water, and it was around this point he realized the only thing separating him from Romah was a reciprocated sense of restraint.

"But I wouldn't try this again," she murmured. "Not all of my sisters will be as generous."

His head kept spinning. Link could only nod.


End file.
